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Parents who have adolescent children in their homes have probably experienced the risk of having to tell the children their life experience, their logic, and their children either face impatience or turn their backs and even lock themselves in the room to refuse to communicate. The harder you talk, the harder the child is, the better it is for the good of the child, the worse it is。
Many parents wonder why it's the right thing to do, and it doesn't work here at all. It's not that kids don't listen, it's that we're teaching in the wrong way. In 2026, the china youth research centre, in collaboration with the institute of psychology of beijing teacher training university, published a study on the current situation of adolescent family education in china, which showed that more than 78 per cent of adolescent filiation stems from parents ' over-lection and repetition; and that children with strong inner and self-disciplined children, most of whom have little to teach, focus on developing strong minds。
Adolescence is a critical period for the child's personality-formation, and instead of speaking out about the big idea that the child can't hear, it is better to build up a strong mind for the child, which is the foundation for the child's growth throughout his or her life and the core password for adolescent education。
I. Why are adolescent children born to reject the big idea
Many parents attribute the child's rebellion, incompetence and insubordination to the child's incompetence and insubordination, but have never stood by the child's perspective and understood the root causes of their resistance to preaching. From the point of view of adolescent psychology and brain development, it is a physical and psychological necessity that adolescent children do not listen。
(i) characteristics of adolescent brain development, which determine that the child cannot accept teaching
A recent study by the brain science team at beijing pedagogical university in 2026 shows that the brain development of adolescent children is uneven: the emotional, impulsive almonds are rapidly developing, approaching adult levels at around 14 years of age; and the prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thinking, self-control, and logical judgment, is not fully mature until around 25。
This means that the emotional response of adolescent children is much faster than rational thinking, that they are more impulsive, sensitive and angry, and that they experience things first, rather than calmly listening. Parents, when speaking in their children's emotions, essentially use adult rationality to counter children's instincts, not only with no educational effect, but also with a sense of confrontation that allows them to focus on “resisting parents” and simply ignore anything。
(ii) an outbreak of self-consciousness, the control and rejection of the child
Adolescence between the ages of 12 and 18 is an outbreak of self-awakening. They are no longer children who listen to their parents when they are young, and begin to have their own ideas, judgments and privacy, eager to be respected, treated as independent individuals, and to be free from parental control to prove their independence。
Parents speak out repeatedly and, in the eyes of their children, do not care and guidance, but rather blame, control and deny. The subtext is, "you don't understand, you can't, you have to listen to me," and it touches the psyche of the adolescent. Even if the parents are right, the child refuses and resists in order to preserve his or her independent personality, which is why many parents say more and more that the child is doing more and more。
(iii) the rationale is abstract and cannot solve the actual plight of children
Children now have ample access to information, and books, networks, teachers are passing on life stories, and parents keep saying, “go to work,” “go to work, learn”, and children are tired of hearing, even better than parents。
Adolescent children are confronted with real problems: high school stress, school conflicts, anxiety about self-identification, uncertainty about the future, etc. These specific problems are not solved by empty logic. What children need is a solution, emotional understanding and companionship, rather than non-virtuous preaching. An empty logic only allows children to feel that their parents do not understand themselves and to further distance themselves from each other。
According to data from the china youth and research centre, 82 per cent of adolescent children who are regularly lectured by their parents are counter-psychological and 65 per cent have problems with parent-child communication; families with less education and more communication are 60 per cent less likely to rebel and more active。
Ii. What is a strong mind? The most needed growth of teenagers. Gas
Many parents have misperceptions about strong minds that it is wrong to let their children compete for victory, to be strong, and to overwhelm others. The true powerful thinker is not the outside power, but the strong, independent, disciplined and responsible mind of the heart. It is the mode of thinking that confronts frustrations, solves problems and is responsible for their own lives。
For adolescent children, the powerful's thinking is reflected in the following: they encounter difficulties and do not complain, do not run away, do something about themselves; they are able to face their shortcomings and accept failure and do not easily deny themselves; they are independent in judgement, do not follow blindly and are responsible for their choices; they know how to manage their emotions and are not carried away by negative emotions; and they have clear objectives and are willing to work proactively for them。
Adolescence is a critical stage in the development of the child's mindset, a period that is much more useful than a hundred words. Children who have a strong mind are not discouraged by a failure of a single exam, are not skeptical by having problems with their classmates, and are not tempted by parental accusations. They are able to maintain a positive attitude and deal independently with growing problems, and will be able to stand firm in the future, whether they enter school or society。
The report on the growth of adolescents, published by the department of basic education of the ministry of education in 2026, also states that: family education in the new age, with a view to moving away from traditional modes of teaching, focusing on the psychological resilience of the child and strong mind, enhancing the child's self-management capacity and resilience to frustration, is the central orientation of education that will contribute to the long-term development of the child。
Iii. Fostering the thinking of the strong adolescent children. Yes
It is not by preaching, but by the guidance, company and proper education of the parents that the strong ones who train the children start with the details of their daily lives and gradually help them to build strong internal and positive mindsets。
(i) stop accusing of preaching, and accept children first
If you want the child to listen to you, the first step is always to deal with emotions before problems. When the child suffers from frustration, error or depression, the parents do not rush to criticize, reason, but rather take the child's perspective, understand his feelings and accept his emotions。
For example, when a child's exam failed, he died and went home, not to say, “i told you to study well, and you didn't listen, and now you deserve it”, but to say, “i know that you failed this time, and that you must be particularly upset and upset, and i would be very disappointed”. The child's emotions are shared so that the child feels that the parents understand themselves, put down their confrontation, then analyse the problems and find a way with the child。
Professor li yi yi, a specialist in youth psychology, has repeatedly emphasized that adolescent education, emotional acceptance is always at the forefront. Parents can become their children's mentors in their lives only if they become their emotional allies first, and the empty truth is never as good as a sincere understanding。
(ii) decentralise and let the child learn to take responsibility for himself
Many parents are used to doing everything for their children, getting dressed and eating, choosing remedial classes and classes of interest, all of which are arranged in one hand, fearing that the children will turn and make the wrong choices. But such over-packaged education can only produce dependent, weak and unsuspecting children and never shape the thinking of the strong。
The true strong are, above all, independent and accountable. Parents must learn to give their children the right to choose and to make decisions, for example by allowing them to schedule their own studies, choose their own interests, handle their own problems and make small conflicts between their peers. Even if the choice of the child is not perfect, and even if it is a mistake, it is not an immediate denial, but rather an analysis of the child's advantages and disadvantages so that the child can bear the consequences of his or her choice。
It is through the process of self-choice and consequences that children understand the meaning of responsibility, learn to be responsible for their own lives, and slowly develop the ability to think and decide independently, which is the basis of the thinking of the powerful. As advocated by the chinese academy of family education, adolescent parents need to be “leaders” rather than “mangers”, so that children can grow up。
(iii) inducing children to focus on issues rather than complaining about escape
On the way to growth, setbacks and difficulties are inevitable, and the attitude with which the problems are encountered directly determines whether the child is strong or weak. Many children are faced with uncongenerous things, used to complain and run away: it's too hard to take a quiz, it's too bad to argue with their classmates, it's bad luck to fail, and it's a negative mindset that weakens children。
Parents need to lead their children to change their thinking and replace the word “challenging” with the word “solving problems”. When a child encounters difficulties, do not let the child remain in a negative mood, but rather lead the child to wonder: why is this happening? What can we do to change the status quo? How do you avoid the same problem next time
For example, kids argue with their classmates, instead of saying, "how does he always bully you?" and saying, "let's think, how did this conflict start?" how do you get along with your classmates?" it is at the heart of a strong mind that a child's long-term orientation to focus on problems and solve problems leads him/her to a mindset that does not complain, does not run away, and comes up with a first-time solution rather than a passive retreat。
(iv) affirmation of efforts rather than results, building children's resilience to setbacks
Many children are now ill-equipped to suffer setbacks, with a failure of a single test, a criticism, self-denial and emotional breakdown, the root cause of which is that parents value results too much and always judge their children with grades and rankings. In order to foster strong minds, children must understand that failure is not terrible and that the process of endeavour is more important than the outcome。
Parents need to be more sure of their children's efforts and progress than just focus on achievements and results. The child tried to study again, even if his grades were not up, to acknowledge what he had done; and the child tried to do one thing, even if he failed, to praise his courage. Tell the children that life is not easy, that failure is part of growth and that it is important to learn from it and get back on your feet。
According to the 2026 study conducted by the centre for the psychological study, children who are often identified as having failed are 70 per cent more resilient than their peers, more resistant to frustration and more willing to continue to face difficulties. This mentality, fearing failure and daring to return, is the most precious quality of the strong。
(v) to set an example and replace it with action teaching
Parents are the first teachers of their children, and their mental patterns and behaviour patterns are mimics of parents in their subterraneanization. Many parents ask their children to strive for progress and stability and to complain, be angry and run away when they encounter something of their own, so that they will not be convinced, even if it is reasonable。
To prepare a strong child's mind, parents must first be the same as the strong: to deal calmly with problems, without complaining or pushing; to be optimistic about setbacks and not to give up easily; to manage their emotions and not to release negative emotions to their families; and to be responsible for their lives and work and strive for progress。
Parental action is the best education. You don't have to tell the kids the truth every day, so long as you look at life with a positive attitude and do things in a rational way, the children will see, remember, slowly develop a strong mind and a straight mind like you。
Iv. At the end: the best education for adolescents is empowerment, not teaching
Adolescence was never a period of rebellion for children, but a period of transition for parents. Children at this stage do not need to talk about the big idea, do not need to be in the grip of blame control, do need to be understood, respected, accompanied and guided。
It's better to give the child a strong mind. A strong man's mind, like a manicure on his child's way of growing up, can protect him from frustration and anxiety, and give him the power to stand up independently, to remain optimistic and to be the master of his own life, regardless of the future。
It is to be hoped that every parent will put down useless preaching, enter the child's heart, develop the child's strong mind in a scientific manner, and protect the child from adolescence, so that the child can grow into a strong, independent and responsible person。
Topical discussion
What's the problem with communication that bothers you the most when your children enter puberty? Do you usually talk about kids? Welcome to the comment section to share your child-rearing experiences and small skills, and we'll share our experiences and learn together to be more productive with our children
